The past few weeks have been really pivotal for my recovery, as I've properly been listening to my hunger cues, mental and physical. I had extreme hunger every day for like 2 weeks straight - 2 weeks of literally eating 24/7 lol. It was rough, confusing, tiring and liberating. I gained a LOT of weight during this time, and so my body has changed quite quickly.
Overall I am proud of myself and regret nothing. I had hit this point where I got so fed up of extreme hunger and obsessive thoughts around food and denying myself what I craved. Especially because I was gaining weight anyway, it felt so stupid not to be listening to my extreme hunger. I knew I COULD restore all my weight via a controlled minimums meal plan; but doing this would just make me restore weight, not rewire my brain, or help my hunger cues normalise. I'd get to a 'healthy' weight in an unhealthy way ultimately, as for my body personally I knew I had to go through the extreme hunger phase of recovery and rapid weight gain to get my body to trust me again.
So I ate. Lots. My mindset was just 'pretend you don't have anorexia'. I ate when I was thinking about food, when I was hungry, when I was craving anything. It made life very simple - no more 'should I eat?' debates. Hungry? Eat. My body wanted a lot of food, and mostly high sugar and fat foods - the foods I restricted the most when restricting and even when I was starting recovery. All my fear foods basically!
At the moment, I would say my 'extreme' hunger is no longer extreme. but I want to make it clear, my hunger only died down when I gained a significant amount of weight and am now at a weight I was pre anorexia. I still do get extreme hunger, mainly if I am more active or if I maybe undereat. I have noticed even THINKING about restriction sends my body into panic mode. Like even considering 'hmmm maybe I should skip this' ends up in intense hunger later on. It's like my body is on hyper alert to any restriction. Kinda amazing when you think about it.
Whilst I am really proud of myself, it is hard accepting this 'new' body. A body which is squishy and soft, with no definition. Quite a lot of the weight has gone straight to my stomach area. This is completely normal as the mid section is where most your internal organs are of great importance. My occupational therapist explained that it could take up to a year of being a stable healthy weight for weight redistribution. Honestly it does make me sad and I wish it would be quicker but I know I need to give my body as much time as it needs to heal. Also, it doesn't matter what I look like. Even if it never distributed, I don't need a flat stomach to be happy. My head tells me I would be happier and more confident if I lost some weight - ' just a little bit, not too much, not a relapse' - but I have had these thoughts before and give it an inch, it will take a mile. Anorexia doesn't do 'a little bit', not for me anyway.
Clothes all fit me differently. Things which once were loose are now tight, and it is very overwhelming. What is helping me is wearing clothes I know make me feel comfortable and don't constrict my stomach / aren't too tight. I hope that at some point I can challenge myself to wearing tighter tops and clothes in general but for now, I'm happy in my baggy jeans.
Another challenge for me has been trying to learn when I am full. I know this may sound strange but coming from a background of starvation, extreme hunger, binge purge and volume eating, I have been really out of touch with my hunger and fullness signals. It's been a work in progress and I think I am getting better at it daily which is nice. sometimes I eat past fullness and instead of beating myself up, I use it as a learning opportunity and also remind myself it doesn't matter, my body can handle the food, I don't need to compensate. sometimes I don't eat enough to fill me up and end up having to go back for seconds etc., and that is also okay! Basically I am slowlyyy learning how to intuitively eat. It is actually crazy, for the first time in 2 years eating without the intention of restriction and without the tight rigidness of ONLY eating my meal plan and without purging.
I often get thoughts about how I should 'loose weight and then gain it back slower'. Guilty feelings for gaining weight so quickly, in an 'uncontrolled' way. There is something really attractive about the idea of just following a meal plan with 0 extreme hunger and gaining 0.5kg every week and it all being controlled and what is 'expected'. The reality of my recovery is the weight gain happened rapidly, and I did not have this wonderfully controlled eating pattern due to extreme hunger, and the thing is THAT IS OKAY. If anything it is actually much more normal to eat a LOT during recovery. When I get thoughts such as 'you are faking your illness, how could someone diagnosed with anorexia WANT to eat so much chocolate? how could you have LET yourself gain so fast?' I remind myself I do not want my eating disorder anymore. Feeling like I am failing at a anorexia is a good thing. It also proves to me I DO have an eating disorder, because if I didn't I would not feel guilty about eating the way I have done.
I am letting go of control of weight. If my body wants to gain more, then it gains more. I no longer need to be responsible for my weight. The same way I don't need to feel 'responsible' for my breathing - it's biology, it is automatic. My weight will settle at whatever it naturally is meant to set at. This is something I am constantly having to remind myself.
Some perks of being heavier are that I do think I look happier, I can eat whatever I want, my bum no longer hurts at all when sitting down and I FEEL a lot stronger in general. I wish I had abs, I wish I had thin legs, but those things for me came with loneliness and hunger. Instead of focusing on how I LOOK, I am trying to focus on how I feel and how I can make my life brighter. Treating my body with care rather than with anger.
It also is really nice not having to fight my hunger anymore.
That's all for now, if you relate to anything please know you are not alone and I am so freaking proud. You are so much more than how you look.
Lots of love,
Lara :)xx
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