Post #1462, 1 Jan. 2022
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Bill Wade watching the Hallmark Channel in “The Barn.” |
Editor’s Note 1:
Sometime last year, Bill Wade revealed his secret, guilty pleasure—binge watching the Hallmark Channel. (It was also my 98-year-old mother’s favorite channel.) After my jaw dropped, I did not want to poke the bear and decided not to press this Renaissance man about his seemingly incongruous entertainment fixation.
Earlier this week, I tried to call Bill at 12:50 p.m. CT—voice mail. I left no message because he doesn’t listen to those messages. He called back twenty minutes later and admonished me not to bother him ten minutes to the odd hour because that was the last ten minutes of his Hallmark show. I asked him, “Bill, why don’t you write a blog story about what you’ve learned from that channel?” “That’s a great idea!” he replied and immediately hung up on me. I thought there was a fifty-fifty chance of getting a story from him; he complies sometimes, but mostly ignores me.
Three days later, I received his story. After editing it, I called him and said, “I was hoping for a short essay and not a doctoral dissertation.” (I have now learned he is as a prolific writer as he is loquacious.) He said, “After you called me, I immediately went to my computer and did three hours of research. I spent eight hours working on this damn thing.” Then, I made the mistake of asking him, “Do you know how many Hallmark movies Meghan Markel did?” He growled, “I will not spend another minute on this project! Find out for yourself. Don’t you ever do this to me again!” I will—it was too easy to troll him on the topic.
Below is Wade’s public admission of his addiction. (Hi, my name is Bill; I’m a Hallmarkaholic.) There’s no better way to start this new year than enjoying a tale about love and obsession. It’s sure a lot more fun than reading about a virus. Have a happy and healthy new year.
_________
“. . . Earn reward points every time you fly to HIA and gain access to our exclusive Susquehanna Club, where you can relax in comfort, catch up on the news, enjoy a complimentary cup of coffee or get a little work done while traveling . . . .”
Everyone who has traveled a lot for business has been in a place like Harrisburg’s ‘special’ frequent flyer club…a place to ‘get away’ from a nearly empty airport. Usually free, they offer burned or cold coffee, warm pop or water, tiny bags of pretzels, and a somewhat unfocused TV with plenty of “snow” turned to soap operas or The View.
Recent local newspapers have been read, reshuffled and strewn about . . . a couple may even hold some spent Wrigley’s. Half-filled foam coffee cups from many flights ago decorate the slightly dinged wooden furniture. How “exclusive” can you get?
It was getting late on Thursday afternoon, and I had just been dropped off at HIA for my return to ORD . . . usual deal . . . get in for dinner Wednesday, up early for a meeting and plant tour, sandwich/chips/cookie lunch and back to the airport.
The airport was in its usual deserted condition, so even though only two TSAs guarded access to Pennsylvania skies, it took fewer than five minutes to get to gate A-2 and the “club.” I signed in, but the usual receptionist was missing . . . turned out that she was off to the A-2concourse ladies’ room (rules dictated that “the help” couldn’t avail themselves of the in-club two-holer).
Looking around, I found the magic device that would save me from the various life and political philosophies of Joy Behar that hung in the room like fumes from fresh dog shit. Quickly clicking past CNN, MSNBC, and even FOX, I was elated to land on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries channel. Life was good!
Within two minutes, however, three fellow escapees arrived to wait for the ORD bus. Ties down and twisted to the side, jackets over their shoulders, each balanced a half-full beer from the bar across the hall.
Startled (and actually somewhat embarrassed), I quickly offered to change the TV programming. “No (f-ing) way . . . we LOVE Hallmark!”
A great day . . . discovering that I am not the only employed, older white male ADDICTED to the various Hallmark movie streams. We are everywhere!
Hallmark is cheaper than therapy.
You see, many members of the Silent Generation, the Greatest Generation, Boomers, generation X or Y (never Z, alpha or any other foolishness) find Hallmark as the perfect antidote to virtually everything else on TV . . . including—no—especially the news.
Note: I personally now restrict my broadcast info sources to NPR (for a literate Communist perspective), Jim Cramer (for an outrageous presentation of business news), and Shepard Smith (to sharpen my smirk on current events) on CNBC.
Acting exactly like a drug, Hallmark Channel movies . . . especially Christmas . . . provide a deep neurological reward. Pamela Rutledge, a behavioral scientist, explains that the formulaic plots and predictability of the films are rewarding, especially when viewers are trying to unwind from the stress of reality, Russia invading Ukraine, COVID, or the holiday season.
“The lack of reality . . . at all levels . . . from plot to production, signals that the movies are meant to be guilt-free escapism entertainment,” said Rutledge in a recent interview. “The genre is well-defined, rigidly predictable, and our expectations and emotions follow. This enables us to freely suspend disbelief.”
Understand, every year has nine Hallmark seasons. Its annual schedule begins with New Year’s movies, before venturing into spring, Valentine’s, the countdown to summer and summer itself. There’s an entire block dedicated to June weddings, then (naturally) there’s Christmas in July, followed by autumn movies before the countdown to Christmas excess begins in October.
Two sister channels, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries and Hallmark Drama, are available to bulk up the portfolio in a pinch. UP, Lifetime and several knockoff offerings are there, depending on how deep your cable subscriptions reach.
Never mind seat-of-your-pants stories.
Yet while the seasons change, the stories stay the same. These two-hour masterworks regularly feature: a frustrated career woman moving back to her hometown; royals dating commoners; a small business that needs saving; or two people who hate each other slowly falling in love.
These packages regularly have pun titles (“You’re Bacon Me Crazy,” the totally realistic story of two rival food-truck owners who fall in love) or ones that are so straightforward you assume you’re missing something (“Easter Under Wraps,” about an undercover chocolate-factory owner who falls in love with her head chocolatier) . . . absolute dramatic classics!
The casts are homogenous, pretty, and mostly white . . . although this season found blacks, Hispanics, and even gay couples sneaking into certain plots. All participants are cleared by the ADA, certifying absolutely perfect, blindingly white teeth.
Actresses Candace Cameron Bure, Allison Sweeney, Lacey Chabert, Danica McKellar, Taylor Cole, Catherine Bell, and Erin Krakow (routinely squired by Cameron Mathison, James Denton, Jack Wagner, and Brennan Elliott) make every ‘plot’ as familiar and non-threatening as possible…among the actors listed, you will find the stars of over 75% of the movies! Always good guys . . . NEVER bad guys!
Geez . . . that looks like Chicago . . .
. . . or New York. Since these movies are typically simply a collection of 10 to 14 independently staged scenes, the opening shots are really nothing more than a tease.
To maximize their $2 million/per piece budget, most Hallmark Channel holiday features are shot in Canada, where tax breaks stretch the budget.
Wintry Vancouver is a popular destination, though films have also been shot in small Vermont bergs, Virginia and Carolina neverlands, Montreal and Toronto.
(One film- at least . . . I forget which . . . was shot in Romania to take advantage of the country’s castles.)
Since the actors are familiar with each other (and the audience), and the scripts rarely exceed 100 pages. Most Hallmark holiday movies take just a week to 15 days to shoot . . . makes sense when you are producing cinematic magic 40 or more times per year.
The staging and story timing are rigid and identical:
First hour:
7. Small Town or Failing Family Business that ‘used to be the heart of the town’ (supports most jobs in the Small Town) is threatened by a big real estate developer or winery.
2. A widowed or divorced spousal candidate with 1-3 adorable kids… often down on her luck or clueless about raising his kids . . . runs out of gas or is stranded by a snowstorm.
Start of second hour:
3. The Point—Discovery of Someone to Love . . . usually not easy because of past relationship baggage of one or both mopes.
Hour & 15 minutes:
4. A Miracle or hero idea that changes everything.
Hour & 30 minutes:
5. Community . . . often literally ‘I’ve got a barn, let’s put on a show . . . and raise money for (choose one): injured veterans, deployed local troops, crippled kids, enough dough to buy back the mortgage on the farm/cookie bakery/Christmas tree lot/landmark school or church building.
Hour & 40 minutes:
6. Preventable, silly misunderstanding threatens Happy Ending . . . one or the other principal starts to leave town.
Last 7 minutes:
7. Predictable Resolution . . . settling of multiple relationship problems . . . and finale, no-tongue kisses.
This is a MACHINE!
As of February 2015, Hallmark Channel was available to approximately 85,439,000 pay television households (73.4% of US households with television).
Crown Media Holdings, Inc. was born in 2000 when Hallmark Entertainment, Chase Equity Associates, Liberty Media, and the National Interfaith Cable Coalition were merged.
It launched its “Countdown to Christmas” in 2009. That year, the channel released just four new Christmas films—this year, there’ll be 41.
It is rumored that Hallmark movies cost about $2 million to produce, while the company made $600+ million in ad revenue in 2018.
There are bingo cards for the most common tropes: baking montages, ice-skating, sentimentally charged ornaments, etc. Among my favorites is people drinking their empty hot cocoa cups with two hands.
While nobody can explain exactly why this is, a recent article noted that producers must constantly look for ways to make [the actors] seem colder. Even in Hallmark’s most wintery movies, you’ll never see:
* Misty clouds of breath coming out of the actor;
* Snow created in the camera filters sticking to hair or dark clothing;
* Melting snow create water on the sidewalk;
* Snowmen that don’t resemble clumsily assembled Styrofoam balls.
Because most of the films shoot in the summer, it’s not always possible to achieve that powder naturally. Producers use a variety of tricks to simulate snowfall, including: “falling snow” camera filters, snow blankets that mimic the real thing when laid out; foam; commercial replica snow; crushed limestone; and ice shavings.
Actors might also get covered with soapy bubbles for close-ups. The typical budget for snow per movie is around $50,000.
But what about all the International stories?
Any royalty featured in Hallmark belongs to the European kingdom / Duchy / city state of tiny but great European fame—and they are always European.
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Boy turns out to be the ascendant monarch of a tiny European principality. After some hijinks, new girl becomes a princess—often ousting a beautiful princess set up in a pre-arranged “family consolidating” (but loveless) marriage. They live happily-ever-after love stories for the ages.
But questions remain. Where are these small European countries actually located? Why do so many of their vistas look disturbingly similar and . . . Romanian?
To find out, I decided to do some painstaking research. (I think I found them all, but if not, tough shit.)
The first one I remembered was Genovia.
According to its tourism website (Yes, it has a website!), Genovia is a “mile-long principality” filled with “white sand beaches, turquoise waters and sun-filled skies.” It’s nestled on the coastline between France and Spain . . . north of Barcelona, bordering Andorra? Huh?
Other Hallmark thrones can be found in: Cardinia, Calpurnia, Carpathia, Madelvia, Winshire, Montsaurai, Balemont, Baltania, Belgravia, Aldovia, San Senova, and St. Ives.
A virtual UN for Lilliputians!
If you want to visit, it is not too tough. They all seem to have direct flights to New York, some to LA . . . Most royal jets can make those trips easily.
They tend to have a few things in common:
* Populations: Bland white people with vaguely British, tortured French or eastern Euro accents, and fervent Christmas (but not religious) spirits.
* Royalty: A spunky young princess or prince with really fucked-up family that can be fixed in 45 minutes. Kings or soon-to-be kings of eligible bachelor age are open to marrying American tourists as long as they’re adequately beguiling with cute butts in a ball gown.
* Language: Theatrical (nearly Shakespearian) British English.
* Climate: Snowy winters, with mountainous terrain . . . background trees occasionally have not lost their green leaves, and flowers can be seen blooming through the snow. Evergreen maples? Edelweiss?
* Government: Constitutional monarchy or parliamentary government, though the royal family remains involved in economic and social policy/underfunded orphanage minutiae. Not NATO nor UN members.
* Palace: The castle has belonged to the royal family for centuries but is in spectacular shape and can support hundreds of thousands of white twinkle lights (people of color and colored Christmas lights are common).
* Culture: The nation’s biggest cultural event of the year is the annual Christmas ball, often setting the stage for a non-started engagement of the prince to a fashion-model beautiful (see a pattern?) inbred princess.
So, you see . . . This is all about addiction.
The Moth doesn’t care when he sees the Flame. He's in the game . . . he might get burned, but once he's in, he can't go back. No, Mr. Moth doesn’t study it when he sees the Flame . . . and doesn’t care if the Flame is real . . . Flame and Moth is a sweetheart deal. Nothing fuels a good flirtation like Need, Boredom, and Fantasy.
“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”
Edgar Allan Poe would understand Hallmark movies.
_________
Editor’s Note 2:
FYI: Meghan Markel, now the Duchess of Sussex, starred in two Hallmark Channel movies:
The network removed the films from its rotation after her marriage to Prince Harry, but they are available on video. You can also buy this game:
These would make excellent gifts for Wade and every Hallmarkaholic in your family.
Related Blog Stories:
* Study? How You Did It at ND If You Are ADHD and Dyslexic by Bill Wade ’69 (link)
* My Father’s Advice for Guaranteeing Superior Hospital Care by Bill Wade ’69 (link)
* Counting by Bill Wade ’69 (link)
* Bill Wade ’69 Withdraws His Candidacy as a Justice for the Supreme Court (link)
Indexes to the Class of 1969 Blog
* Index by Subject for the University of Notre Dame Class of 1969 Blog (link)
* Index by Classmate for the University of Notre Dame Class of 1969 Blog (link).
* In Memoriam: The Deceased Undergraduates of the Notre Dame Class of 1969 (link)
John P. Hickey Jr. ’69, Editor
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